me: yes, they do. it’s like an eye chart. but with, like, pie. and tiger lilies.

When I got home from work today my house smelled bad.  Really, very bad.  And The Very Bad Smell needed to be found.  And gotten rid of.  But The Very Bad Smell was very hard to find.  It was everywhere. 

I walked all over the house going what is that horrible smell?  And The Third Grader was following me around the house going I don't smell anything. 

Me:  What is that horrible smell?

Him:  I don’t smell anything.

Me:  How can you not smell that?  We need to have your smelling checked.

Him:  They don’t have that.

Me:  Yes, they do.  It’s like an eye chart.  But with, like, pie.  And tiger lilies. 

We could not find The Very Bad Smell.  Anywhere.  Because it was everywhere. 

And the smell?  Was his socks.  The ones on his feet.  And he hadn’t died of the smell.  In fact?  He couldn’t even smell the smell.

This wasn’t a regular bad sock smell.  It was supernatural bad sock smell.  Because The Third Grader?  Has a new sock system.  Here’s how it works:

I go 'put your dirty socks in the laundry room.  And he goes okay!  And then he puts his dirty socks in the laundry room.  On the shelf next to the door.  And then in the morning he goes into the laundry room and gets the very same socks off the shelf next to the door.  And puts them back on his feet. 

I know.  Shut up.   

We peeled them off his feet and I washed them twice in hot water.  And then I threw them away instead of drying them.  Because Christ on a crutch can you imagine that smell wetted and heated up?