I adore my dad. Adore. But he's three parts Archie Bunker, two parts Bill O'Reilly. Only not as nice, more conservative and hard of hearing. So I rely on my mother to deal with him on anything, like, significant. On anything more complicated than hey Dad, do you know what time it is? my philosophy is sort of a don't ask, don't tell deal. I leave the asking and telling to my mom.
So when my mom and dad decided to come to my house for Thanksgiving this year, I called my mom to ask if she'd told my dad about Tech Support yet. She recounted it for me.
"I said, now, Jack, listen. Kate's friend will be there for Thanksgiving, too. She's been seeing him for a while now. And he's Indian, Jack. And not a Wild West Indian."
"What did he say?"
"He said, oh, Jesus Christ."
This should go okay, right?
Also? My dad has some difficulty hearing. It's always risky to call him on his cell phone.
Me: Hi, Dad.
Him: Hello?
Me: Dad! Hi!
Him: Jesus Christ! This God damn phone! HELLO?
Me: Dad, it's Kate, can you hear me?
Him: This God damn AT&T piece of SHIT phone....*click*
Now, picture this man, trying to carry on a conversation with, like, Ozzy Osbourne maybe. Because Tech Support's accent? It's a little bit noticeable. In the way that Ozzy Osbourne slurs a little bit. And this will all occur in a 1200 square foot house filled with six children between the ages of 5 and 13, plus me, my sister and my mom.
That should work, right?
My only real hope of this not all going fuck all sideways is that, remember my friend who moved to Guam? I have her 20 year old son living in my garage right now. And I'm pretty sure my dad doesn't know about him. So I'm counting on my garage dweller to wander through the house into the garage every so often to really confuse and distract my dad, and I'm pretty sure my mom will play along.
My Dad: Joan, who the hell is that?
My Mom: Who, Jack?
My Dad: That kid who keeps going through here with earphones and a backpack. Who the hell is that?
My Mom: I don't know what you're talking about, Jack.
My Dad: Jesus Christ.
Seems like a solid plan, right?
29 comments:
Jesus Christ. Good luck with that.
You make me laugh.
Laugh out loud, the kids all look at me quizzically laugh.
Are we long lost sisters whose parents live very complex bi-coastal lives? Because my dad's the exact same way ... except he's Iranian so it's weird. Especially when he quotes Bush on immigration reform and I'm like, "Does anybody see what's wrong with this picture??"
I think you, me and Nanny were all separated at birth. I have had that exact cell phone conversation with my dad many times. Of course he doesn't have a hearing problem, noooo. It's the damn cell phone that's the problem. Plus my poor mother is such a go between for the two of us. I really hope they either die together or he goes first, because I don't know how we will communicate if she's not there.
This could be an episode of Everybody Loves Raymond...only funnier. :o)
The cell phone? You have totally described my husband. Only not 30 years from now. I mean now.
He is only 35 but he gave up on cell phones about 5 years ago. When someone called him while he was on the crapper, and he didn't answer it. They were all, "Why didn't you answer? Isn't that why you have a cell phone, so people can reach you at all times?" Since then he has sworn off all remote communications. He likes being unreachable.
You are so funny. I pink puffy heart your blog!!
Oh your Turkey day sounds like much more fun than mine. Can I come?
Holy Hell. That 20 year old living in your garage, that even I didn't know about, that is going to really throw him off. Like seriously throw him off. Tech Support will be no problem with that kid sleeping in your garage.
Will you hide a video camera and tape Thanksgiving? I want to see.
Sweet Jesus, I would pay serious money to be at your house next week.
Did I RSVP to the invitation to come to your house for Thanksgiving that you never sent? BECAUSE I AM SO TOTALLY THERE.
Just video tape all that, would ya?
Cuz I'd pay good money. Oh yes I would.
Your posts always make me laugh. Your Dad's language is just so funny. I really hope the garage dweller keeps moving in and out. You should fill him in before hand so he can always pass through with like a different colored shirt on and make it really interesting. One second blue, next encounter make it red, then bright tulip yellow. You see where I'm going with this? Well, nevermind. We probably shouldn't fool around with him too much.
Fuck Texas, I'm spending my Thanksgiving at your place.
How much for the garage dweller? I must have one for myself.
ahahahahaahahahahhhhhhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhhhahahahahhhhahahahahahahahahhhhhahahahahhhhahahahahhhhahahahhh
or as I got when I married a limey with the spare kidney 24 years ago "You need to really think about this, maybe he's just interested to become a citizen."
Such faith, lucky for him I have made a lifelong habit of ignoring him while I smile patiently.
And he is still not a citizen of the USA!!!
Xenophobe.
I want to be the fly on the wall. Clearly this year will be very peaceful. Weird but peaceful. I can so get a visual on that visit. I am laughing already. hahahahahaha.
My children think it is funny too. Glad we have some bearing on what is normal and what is not.
Thanks for the preview.
MAS
I'm pretty pleased (at your expense of course) that my Thanksgiving will not be that difficult.
My dad & I just kick everyone out of the living room who is not thoroughly engaged in the Cowboys game. Seriously, we have yelling and scowling on Thanksgiving.
(P.S. Tagging you at my place!)
So, here's what we're gonna do: show your dad our wedding photo.
snort. yeah. you're going to have a blast.
Well here I thought I was going to the usual thanksgiving dinner this year (where my 29 year old nephew informs me we'll be playing beer pong which will give his tee-totaling mother the vapors )
But it appears I'm going to be at your house BECAUSE WE HAVE THE SAME DAMNED FATHER. I haven't told him yet how old the BF is...that would give him a total heart attack. If he could hear me. But I do love Dad anyway.
Love the plan with the garage dweller.
And, I think you should set up a webcam for us to log into and watch it all in action!
THANK YOU!! You have prompted a fond memory of my Dad with your cell phone dialogue.
I think your plan of the "phantom garage keeper" is awesome! You must come back to report.
good luck with that...I should have a few stiff drinks and let things take their natural course
It sounds like it's going to be YouTube worthy. Best wishes that it's not only funny in hindsight.
Can we come over, too?
And, why does your Dad remind me of the Sarah Palin interview with the turkey slaughter in the background?
"Huh? What's going on back there with that contraption?"
"What? The upside-down turkey with its head caught, you mean?"
"Is he related to the kid with the backpack?
Can I come? Amd can I bring my alcoholic, pot smoking bro-in-law who watches televangelists? I think he'll be a good fit.
Hilarious post! I can relate. With my dad its, "Jeeeee-Zuss CHRIST!"
Can you run a live webcam during dinner?
Seriously, dude...webcam!! Must hook up webcam for we really wanna watch and a ticket to the States would be just, like too freakin' expensive so help me feel like I'm not really missing the States and hook up a damn webcam...this would be better than anything I can find of tv!!!
please!
Can't wait to hear how that goes. I absolutely do think, for the record, that throwing your dad off with the garage dweller is in fact a pretty solid plan. And if it makes you feel any better, I can't think of any racial epithets (sp?) for Indians, so hopefully your dad won't say anything too bad. I'm looking forward to meeting my mom's new boyfriend at Thanksgiving- so I'm not getting off easy- but I'm thinking it will be nothing compared to your fun day!
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