anti-social with tendencies of idealism

I was in Target today, looking at blank books and journals, while the Little People picked up school supplies for their new schools. I kept picking up the blank books thinking about how I've never journaled and always admired those who do. I don't like my handwriting. At times it looks too big and swirly like a 7th grader, other times it looks just illegible and inconsistent. The inconsistency in my handwriting bothers me, I feel conspicuous when I write, like people will judge me based on my handwriting. Big and loopy=dumb. Big and scrawly=ego maniacal. Small and pointy=hostile. Small and exact=fastidiously accurate. Slanted to the left=anti-social.


I was editing a proposal at work this week, and was entirely too conscious of what my handwriting would reflect as a supervisor. I looked at one page of my editing and immediately thought of the scene in 16 Candles when Jake intercepts the "who would you do it with?" note. I was actually so displeased with my writing on one page, that I tossed the whole thing and edited it on the computer instead.

Later that day, as I handed in the ream of paperwork to the Girl and the Kindergartener's new after-school deal (37,000 forms to fill in with the same 16 pieces of information in about 2,000 different ways) I began to worry. Toward the end of this nightmare in triplicate, my handwriting was getting worse and worse, and I honestly sat there thinking that the school director would look at these forms, and shake his head in dismay at one more too-busy to care single mom. "Look how she just scrawled her daughter's name here...tsk, tsk, tsk."


At any rate, I began thinking about how people always say that journaling is so good for the soul, and how I will never be able to do it, because one can hardly delve into delve-worthy subjects if one is preoccupied thinking about whether or not it looks like she may as well be writing "Do you think Jeff Goldblum likes me?" or "Stu asked Stephanie to the homecoming dance!"


And then I realized that this is my space, and I like it because it doesn't matter if I cross my t's more to the left or more to the right, it doesn't matter if the lower portion of my y's are looped, or not-looped, it doesn't matter if my o's connect or not, because for whatever reason, my thoughts seem to connect here. In Times New Roman 10-point. (It's Times New Roman in the compose window, just not once I've hit that orange Publish button). And when I push that Publish button, that's like when other people close their journal and put their pen away. After dotting their i's too high.