part ii: nerd boy and the exam

We are back at the DMV, post-fab-photo, pre-wrtten test.


As I moved from Window 17 to the exam area for the written test, I walked the thrity feet between the photo area and the plexi-glassed-in, super-secure exam area and flipped slowly through the manual, hoping against hope to finally understand the u-turn system and lack of hard and fast speed limits in this state.

As I took a last chance glance through the manual, stalling and letting others go ahead of me, I listened this adorable sixteen-year-old Nerd Boy check in for his test and then take his seat. He was positively trembling. Not with nerves or anxiety, but with excitement and surety. Nerd Boy declared, as he checked in with the proctor, that he was sure he would not only pass, but not miss more than one question. This seemed like it may have backfired when the proctor, never one to let a dare go by, started flipping through the twelve versions of the written test, to, I think, find the hardest one. Nerd Boy didn’t seem to notice and took his test and his golf pencil to his desk, where he hunkered down low and covered his paper with most of his upper toorso. You can see how excited he was…here is Nerd Boy in the front row.


This woman, sat behind him, even though there were sixteen empty desks, she was hoping, I bet, to be able to sneak a look at his test. Here she's realizing about the multiple versions of the written test, which was designed for cheaters like her who are, apparently, a dime a dozen within these plexi walls.

When it seemed I could stall no longer, I handed over the printout of my vital statistics and fabulous DMV photo to the proctor and took my exam to the back row. I went along ok, checking answers neatly and assuredly until I came to this one:

9. To help you keep alert on long drives, you should:
a. turn on your air conditioner
b. pull over and rest
c. alternatively drive close to the left and right hand sides of your lane

And then…I burst out laughing, which is, it seems, frowned upon. The proctor actually got up and came to stand near me, which works on fourth graders…and me, I guess, because when I came to this one, I made a valiant, if fruitless, attempt to keep my hysterical laughter from being vocalized:

12. A pedestrian who is blind or visually impaired uses traffic sounds before deciding to cross the street. If you see a pedestrian with a guide dog or white cane waiting to cross at a corner, you should:
a. stop at the crosswalk and honk your horn
b. drive all the way into the crosswalk, close to the pedestrian, so the person can hear your engine
c. pull up to the crosswalk so the person can hear your engine
d. pull over, honk three times, blow your dog whistle, get out of your vehicle, stop traffic and shout for the blind person to cross

Okay, D wasn’t really a choice, but honestly, it could’ve been.

Three of the four questions I missed were about railroad crossings, and this worries me because I have to cross active railroad tracks three times on the way to pre-school and three times when I pick up. I’m thinking of moving.


Here’s the other one I missed:

8. If there is a deep puddle in the road ahead, you should:
a. speed up to be sure to make it through the puddle
b. shift into neutral as you drive through the water
c. steer around the water if possible

Seriously, this is California, a deep puddle? It NEVER rains, this doesn’t apply. The question might better say:


8. If the highway suddenly collapses under you, due to earthquake or landslide, you should:
a. take advantage of everyone’s shock to get around those slow cars and shorten your commute
b. take your surfboard off the top of your car and walk to the beach
c. call the Govahnatah, to come shoot his way through the rubble


Good news, I passed. Better news, Nerd Boy passed, didn’t miss one! Here he is calling his dad to celebrate, he approved the photo:

When they finished grading my test, I scheduled my behind-the-wheel test for November 2. As I left the glorious Escondido DMV, now almost legal, and with exciting new blogworthy material, I heard vacation requests flying for November 2.