part i: DMV...the appointment

About a month ago, I lost my Colorado driver’s license. And like any true Californian, I waited until I was in my car, driving 85 miles an hour down the Fifteen, to call the DMV and figure out what needed to be done. After I hit zero four hundred times successfully nagivated their fucking frustrating, non-responsive helpful touch tone system, I was connected to someone who could disconnect help me. I made an appointment for three weeks from that day to take the written exam, the first step to being legal.

I’d done well on the Colorado written exam in high school, scored 100% actually, or at least that’s how I remember it. So I wasn’t too concerned. I knew, of course, that I’d have to study, but I was also fairly confident that I understood Cali driving laws pretty well (I’ve become especially good at the lane changing and friendly bumper tap). I meant to get the manual right away and start studying, just in case there were any tricky laws that only applied in places like Hell Anaheim.

But, okay, I didn’t do it quite as soon as I maybe should have. My appointment was on October 3rd, and on October 2nd I downloaded the driver’s manual and opened it up. To be greeted by…the Govahnatah…

Okay, honestly, that's not the photo the State of Cahleefahniyah used, but they should maybe consider it instead of this one:

And here’s what Aah-nahld had to say:

"My Fellow Californians Cahleefahniyahns:

2007 promises to be an especially good year when it comes to the safety and reliability of the driving experience - and together we will make that happen Pump You UP!

Your state government gahvahment has exerted every effort (picture here…strong man competitor lifting a Hyundai, rest of sentence meaningless now)…. As governor the Govahnatah, I have always been supportive of you, the driver de drivah…. And thank you for helping to make California Cahleefahniyah a fantastic fahntahzdik place to live."

And that’s as far as I got in the driver’s manual. I tried to go on, but kept flipping back to that first page and practicing my Aah-nahld impersonation. Totally distracted, wondering if they ever considered having Maria run instead.

So, though unprepared as I was, I arrived at the Escondido DMV promptly for my 1:20 appointment. I walked smugly past the poor saps waiting in line, the ones without appointments. Suckers. I budged my way to the front of the line and asked where the people with appointments go, and then it seemed there was a disconnect.

The people with appointments, you see, go here to the back of that line going out the door:

And the people without appointments go here to the back of that line going out the door:

I know! Right? That’s what I thought.

So I got at the back of the line and waited to get a number. Eventually, I made it to the front of the line, to this guy:

You can see…he was confused…about my whole “appointment” theory. (Sorry about the blur, I was being surreptitious, so as not to get carted off to jail on some trumped up homeland security charge.) Ultimately, he caved and gave me a number: I was F-042. The F is for fuc…nevermind. I went to sit and wait and study. The first number they called was C-016. Then G-087. Then A-011. Bingo! Then F-041. I was next! Then K-088. Wait, no….that's not....

So I waited, with the rest of the people who had 1:20 pm appointments, over here:

In two and a half days due course, I was called to window 17. This was who I got:

Let me just say...she was not as nice as she looks. And um…mullet much? I told her my story and what I needed, and here’s what she gave me: (photo included for the benefit of SmartSister who often doubts the veracity of my claims)

It says, just in case you can’t see it (or believe it), “Colorado Problem Driver Pointer System”. She assured me that I wasn’t suspected of being a “problem driver” but only that this is the form people who’ve lost their license must complete in order to have the driving test waived. I guffawed and assured her, that I was, in fact, a problem driver. I regaled her with tales of backing into parking garage columns and bears ripping door handles off my car.

Not. Amused.

She said that I’d have to send off to Colorado for my accident driving record or I’d have to take the driving test. I filled out all the forms and told her I’d decide whether to send away and wait eight weeks or just take the driving test, once I actually pass the written test because I’d been so distracted by the Govahnatah.
Not. Amused.

After a little girl talk, she dismissed me to have my photo taken (they’re such optimists!). And let me just say, whatever else happened at the DMV that day…it’s all okay, because I got a great photo! I will totally post it as my blog photo when (if) I get my license. I need tips, RIGHT NOW, on how to NEVER lose my license again.

Stay tuned for Part II…The Exam….